Sometimes I like to freak out the toddler by putting my iPad to my ear and frantically asking her if I’ve been miniaturized.

What does have eyes but can’t see, has legs but can’t walk, and has wings but can’t fly? A dead bird.

why are there fences around graveyards? people are just dying to get in there these days.

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot Vampire: sucks the life out of u Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling Child: all of the above

Anyone seen the movie about the female eye doctor who’s always naked when she kills her patients? It’s called ‘Lasik Instinct’.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

I don’t play guitar, but I sure would pluck your G-string.

Two banana peels What do you call two banana peels? A pair of slippers

Timing. Why don’t Norwegians tell good jokes?

What do you call a gay Dinosaur? Megasaurass