My friends cat just ran across his banjo and was immediately sued by Mumford and Sons.

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.” “Mam, that’s a tire.” “Kids, get me a napkin.”

What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree can kill you? A pool table.

Three virgins go into a bar; a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Hours later out come a blonde, a brunette, and a virgin. ….Ginger Snap!

Teacher asks a question Teacher: “whoever answers my next question can go home” Jimmy throws his bag out the window Teacher: “who just threw that?” Jimmy: “that was me”

What do you say to an alien with two heads? Hello. Hello.

JonesTown Massacre Do you know why you never hear any jokes about the JonesTown Massacre? …….The punchline is too long!

This election cycle makes me want to find a bar really badly… Do any 21st amendment people know where I can get a drink around here?

I have to go to twitter for my news because the news is too busy showing me tweets.

PLOT TWIST: MARIJUANA is the drug against wars.