What’s the difference between a meeting and a funeral? A funeral is a meeting where you’re dead outside as well as in.

So I went to the mattress store and tried laying on one of the Temper-Pedic mattresses. I was impressed.

Where do you take someone who overdoses on homeopathic medicine? A mental hospital

*Semi drifts into my driveway, transforms into a robot and hands me my package.* This Amazon Optimus Prime account was so worth it.

Why are Americans so bad at MOBA games (League of Legends, Dota, Heroes of the storm, etc.)? They can’t defend towers.

TIL reddit automatically change your password to asterisks whenever you type it in a comment.

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Crock and Dial ! Crock and Dial who ? Crock and Dial Dundee !

Fart when people hug you…it makes them feel strong.

Im trying to get back to my original weight. 7 lbs 9 oz

The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That’s Cole’s Law.