What do you get when you cross a muppet with the Loch Ness monster? Messie Thank you and goodnight.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

I am so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.

Why don’t soccer players get hot while running? Because they hve so many fans

Why does Luke Skywalker never have trouble getting laid? Because he always uses the force.

You know, you’re not that bad looking — for a fat-ass.

Why Would Clint Eastwood be Bad at Restructuring a Business? He can’t remember if he fired 5 or 6.

Good News: The Giant Panda is no longer considered ‘Endangered’. Bad News: It’s now considered ‘Extinct’.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

How do mice celebrate when they move home ? With a mouse warming party !