Did you hear about the magician that turned his family into a 3-piece suite but couldn’t change them back? They were rushed to hospital where staff described them as “comfortable”.

Jerusalem by Don McLean I think the song could be greatly improved if at the line: “All roads lead to you,” the singer shakes a fist and yells out “Take that, Rome!”

Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won’t touch anything that isn’t 10% off

I hate when my iPod earbud cord gets hung on an object and it violently rips the earbud out and I get that murder-y feeling.

Dogs are tough!! Been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy!

What should you do if you find an angry 500-pound dog in your kitchen? Eat out.

When a woman asks how good I am in bed… I’m definitely not the second coming.

A cabbage, a faucet, and a tomato had a race. The cabbage was ahead, thefaucet was running, and the tomato tried to catch up.

If you see someone doing a crossword puzzle Whisper in their ear, 7 up is lemonade.

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir