Hey, parents. Stop raising children and start raising adults.

My doctor told me to stop drinking today…then he told me to stop laughing.

Where do lightning bolts go on dates? -To cloud 9

“RELEASE THE KRAKEN!” “Kraken’s not here.” “What? Ugh! What can we release?” “Gary’s here.” “Gary?! Dammit! Fine… RELEASE THE GARY!”

My girlfriend said we should split up because she can’t handle me acting like a detective all the time… “GOOD IDEA!” I said… “We can cover more ground that way!”

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!

Second date tip: repeat everything you said on the first date, word for word.

A cop stopped me and asked “Do you know why I followed you ” so I said “because my tweets are funny” & we laughed & high-fived & I’m in Jail…

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc? “Not with the proper treatment.” *gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

I asked a librarian About some books about Pavlov’s dogs and Schroedinger’s cat. She said it rings a bell, but doesn’t know if it’s here or not.