What’s it called when you’re killing time at work hiding in the bathroom? Stalling.

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

Why should you never mention the number 288? Because it’s two gross. source: someone told me this joke, it’s not my joke.

I lost two things today: My virginity and my job as a morgue assistant.

Dad joke Do any of you, when going poop, say “Get out of me you piece of shit!” And then chuckle cuz it’s a literal piece of shit?

I’m surprised Bob the Builder ever gets anything done He’s surrounded by tools

I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.

I know what I’m getting for Christmas. Fat. I’m getting fat.

Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov’s Dog

I’ve been lying on the floor of this Cheesecake Factory for half an hour. Everyone keeps stepping over me