Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.

A young man knocks on the door of his Girlfriend, who lives with her parents… Her dad opens the door. “Good day, Sir. My name is Tobias, I am here to fuck your daugther.” “To WHAT??? “Tobias.”

What is Hitler’s favorite chocolate? Fuhrerro Rocher

Him: What’s your cup size? Me: Venti

[Dad jokes anonymous] “…and I’m clean 30 days” Guy from back: HI CLEAN 3O DAYS I’M DAD “DAMN IT, JERRY!”

“Oh NOW Burger King delivers!” -Paula Deen

To all the girls who take pictures in the bathroom in public places, I’m taking a dump in the stall behind you….Don’t forget to tag me

What’s the most positive thing about Harlem? HIV

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred? Hey, is that guy dead?

What is bordering stupidity? Canada and Mexico both are.