NEVER FORGET WHERE YOU CAME FROM. I just came from wolfing down a Kit-Kat in the utility closet.

A guy goes to the doctor… The doctor says “You have to stop masturbating.” The guy says “Why?” The doctor says “…because I’m trying to take your blood pressure.”

In my 32 years this is what I’ve learned about women: 1.) “No” means no 2.) “Maybe” means no 3.) “Yes” means maybe

Tacky on you, that outfit is! Tacky on who? [Tachyon!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tachyon) Who’s there? Knock, knock!

I got a puppy for my ex. Fair trade.

Can I just drop it like it’s lukewarm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.

A Pokemon Joke What Pokemon likes to run? Lucardio!

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

What do you call it when your water breaks and you can’t get ahold of the midwife? A midwife crisis.

What car is it best to grow grass on? K-K-K-Kia