A blind man walks in to a fish shop and says “Hello there lady s”

Did you hear pooh bear went gangsta? He doesn’t even give a bother.

[announcement over PA at work] “FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM” *I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

How many unemployed actors does it take to change a light bulb? (fixed) 100. 1 to change it and 99 to stand around and complain about how they coulda done a better job.

I heard politicians don’t have toilets. They just shit into microphones.

Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right? Because no matter what, women are always right, even when they’re full of shit.

What`s the definition of eternity? The time between when you come and when she leaves.

What do thesauruses eat for breakfast? Synonym rolls.

Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

A young couple are in bed for the very first time The guy asks ” Are you nervous?”— “Yes ” she says.— “Is this your first time?”— “No, i’ve been nervous before”