How do you get out of an elephant? Q: How do you get out of an elephant? A: Turn around and around until you get all pooped out. (5 yo humor never gets old)

Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby daughter? The baby, because she’s a little bigger.

Coworker: “How was your weekend?” Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Licksalotapuss. What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass.

What’s Donald Trump’s favorite drink? A white Russian.

What do you call a rabbit who lifts weights? A jacked rabbit.

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

Physical Doctor gave me a physical and says I have to stop master bating. I ask why? He says “because I’m giving you a physical”

Cat was like, “I’ve been trying to call you all day. 8888888888888888888888888884. That’s you, right?”

Being a virgin is sort of like owning a used Prius. You’ve never had sex.