Why do political yes-men use so much Raid? Because they’re sycophants!

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Capricorns can’t afford new lightbulbs — unless they’re a legitimate business expense.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

What do you call a cheap wig? A small price toupee.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar. They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.

Do you like puns? Then I’ll pun you in the face!

Jesus told John Come forth and receive eternal life. But poor John came in fifth and received a toaster.

Tell me Jeeves, are lemons tweeting? -No,sir. -Well, it seems I squeezed the canary in my tea again.

Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants? Because its pecker is on its head. That was on South Park last night and made me lose it.

What do you call a group of prison bull-dykes? Ellen Degenerates