Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page. How the tables have turned Kate.

A drum set falls out of a window… Ba dum tssh!

Whenever I meet a Jim I ask, “is that short for Jimberly?” and I have few friends in real life.

Don’t fall for it black people, white people only invite us to go camping to see how long we stay alive.

If there’s more than one apocalypse, is it apocalypses or apocali? I just want to be ready.

Did you know you can drink Lava? But only once!

I woke up to find that someone pooped in my slow cooker. What a crock of shit!

Did you hear about the woman who died at an orgy last night? She went down swinging.

Husband: “I have good news and bad news” Wife: “Tell me the bad news first.” Husband: “The washing machine broke.” Wife: “And the good news?” Husband: “The dogs are clean.”

Went to the shoe store and bought a pair of converse, disappointed they haven’t talked back yet.