(i walk up to the counter at subway) hey hows it goin? (i rest my foot on the sneeze guard thing and it slams shut on the guys hands) my bad

What’s better than roses on a piano? Tulips on your organ.

If you don’t hate yourself by the time you log off, you’re not using the internet correctly.

How do ghosts navigate the ocean? They use boo-eys.

Where did you leave your legless dog? Where you left him. And how do you call him? Doesn’t matter, he won’t come.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk* ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

i have a joke, but not funny .

What is Christopher Reeves’ favorite band? The Talking Heads

Sore Mccain My arms are so sore from the gym. I feel like John Mccain after the Vietnam War.

When BP says, “We have the spill under control” is the new “I promise not to come inside you.”