Me: let’s go vegetarian Husband: can we still eat eggs M: of course H: fish? M: obviously H: bacon on special occas- M: we’d be crazy not to

Why don’t chickens have lips? Because then they’d have soft peckers

Why do spies never use capitalization? They like to stay low-key.

I wonder if Sherlock Holmes is good at his taxes… He’s great at making deductions.

Why’re they called hemorrhoids? Surely they should be called asteroids? :]

What has arms but can’t move them? A small child paralyzed from the waist up.

A man walks into a Swedish chemist shop….. … and asks for some deodorant. The shopkeeper says ‘ball or aerosol?’ The man answers ‘neither, I want it for my armpits.

Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.

We play GTA because it let’s us do things we wouldn’t even think about doing in real life… Like golf, tennis and yoga.

[greeting aliens] Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut