What do you call it when an Eskimo makes a dirty joke? Inuit-endo

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ? Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

Three ways to get something done Do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I hate having to pretend I like vegetables for the sake of my goddamned children.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Some insensitive asshole was tapping it to certain death on his iPhone.

To ease tension in crowded elevators I yell “George Lopez is a comedic genius!” Then I get stabbed with an ice pick & I don’t have insurance

There are 3 types of people in this world People who can’t count and people who can.

What do you call a Robert on a stick? A keBob!

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once? That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

How many donald trumps does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one. He holds it up and the world revolves around him