What’s long,hard,and full of Seamen ? SS This Dick. naval battalion

I want to hire a Chipotle employee to tuck me in at night.

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty WAITER: what why ME: a duck killed my father

Simple instructions from FBI to crack any almost any iPhone. Drop face-down on hard surface from about 4 feet in the air. That should do the trick.

I just read on the news that 10 Paralympics athletes have failed a drugs test They all tested positive for WD40

BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump does not accept presidential election… Says he doesn’t want to move into an estate which previously had black tenants.

People are always mistaking things I say as racist. The other day, this guy thought I called him a ‘sand nigger.’ But what I said was, ‘get out of the sand, nigger. Volleyball is a white man’s sport.’

Why do people say “I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?

There are only three kinds of mathematicians in this world. Those who can add up and those who can’t.

“Have they tried turning him off and then on again?” – Me, suggesting a cure for Stephen Hawking.