N.W.A. writes a song called Fuck the Police and everybody loves it. I write a song called Fuck the Firemen and apparently I’m just an asshole.

A blind man walks into a bar ..and into a table and a chair.

I asked my flamboyant son if he was gay and he beat around the bush. I wouldn’t care if he is, I’m just pissed that I didn’t get a straight answer.

I got a sweater for Xmas I appreciate it, but I would have preferred a screamer or a moaner.

Her: Describe your ideal date. Me: I’d order an extra large pizza. Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing? Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

Did you hear? Sting has been kidnapped! The Police don’t have a lead.

She sells sea shells on the: A) Shore B) Shore C) Shore D) Shore

Why can’t orphans play baseball? Because they don’t know where home is

Confusius says Whaaat?!

me on my first date: “for me to continue this relationship you need to choose correctly” [i pull a frog & a lizard out of my pocket]