Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

So I talkedto a gender studies graduate the other day. I told her I wanted a #1 combo with no tomatos or onions.

*sees oven left on “What moron left the oven on!?” *tries repeatedly to turn it off “WTF!? Stupid oven!” *realizes 425 is the time

DATING TIP: Play hard to get. Train to be an astronaut. Fly into space and leave Earth behind. Then text your crush and be like “what’s up?”

What did Matthew McConaughey say after voting for Trump? alt right, alt right, alt right

Why was the monkey attracted to the paint? Cuz it was yellow and appealing! Sorry if this is bad. Seen too many of the same jokes here and I wanted to add an original joke.

Watching your wife in childbirth… Is like watching your favourite pub burn down.

I have a fear of speed bumps… But I’m slowly getting over it.

True story I’ve met a research geologist whose work was groundbreaking.

Why are orphans bad at baseball? They have no idea where home is.