-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you? -Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

The future tense of send. Seen

Why is a gay guy dating someone named Andy particularly useful? Because he might come in Andy

People are wondering who will win the 2016 Presidential election, but I already know who will win the next election. That’s because I’ve got 2020 vision.

Derek Acorah got sacked from Most Haunted for advertising bio-yoghurt in breech of his contract. That’s what you get for dabbling in the Yakult.

Why Men Are Forgetful Men’s boobs are forgetful because they have no mammary’s

*T-Rex stubs his toe* OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M… “Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-” SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

Unscramble: pnise If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.