*burst into doctor’s office* ME: I’m no longer canstopetid DOCTOR: You mean constipated ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement DOCTOR: Get out

Why can’t Quentin Tarantino make a good first impression? He’s always getting off on the wrong foot.

Noble chemistry jokes Argon walks into a bar, and the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gasses here.” Argon doesn’t react.

How do you know if a girl is on her period? Shut up!

responsibilities and feelings should not exist

When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.

Why were there only 1000 people at the Million Mexican March? They only had 2 trucks.

What is a UPS worker’s favorite cloud service? Dropbox.

Husband: You’re like homework Wife: Why? Are you gonna throw me on the table and do me all day? Husband: No, leave you alone and masturbate.

What are the 5 best Vegetables of all time? tink about it. Gai lan, gai lan… gai lan, gai lan, and gai lan. (thanks to Chapelle show skit((making the band)))