Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick! DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!? *hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

what do you mean you can’t deliver pizza to a pillow fort

Relationship status: binoculars

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Amelia ! Amelia who ? Amelia a package last week – did you get it ? !

What stops rape every time? Consent.

I became a Jew today Only in it for the money.

Why does the internet always mourn the death of politicians? Because they are always lion about everything.

Kanye West demanded everyone to stand while giving a eulogy, didn’t go through with it because Some asshole in a coffin didn’t feel like standing.

A man asks a genie for a dick so long it touches the ground… So the genie pulls out a sword and cuts both the man’s legs clean off.