Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.

This girl just spilt ice all over my record player. I played it cool.

I think I might be dying But I really like the color of my hair right now.

Roses are red… Harambes in heaven, George Bush had advanced knowledge of 9/11.

Q: What do you call a man who marries an old ugly and poor woman? A: Desperate!

According to old paintings, there’s mad titties in heaven.

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two. The light bulb you remove and the light bulb you replace it with.

How can a black woman tell if she’s pregnant? When she takes out the tampon the cotton is already picked

If you say “Starbucks” in the mirror 3 times, a girl in yoga pants will appear, steal your hoodie and tell you the best things about Fall.