If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

Scientists are now saying climate change is “whatever” and life is “bullshit” and “Judith left me last night, that’s why I’m drunk at work”.

My girlfriend is on her period… She calls me Dracula.

How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill Two and a half Men

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

What is a Nuclear Physicist’s favourite meal? Fission chips.

A man came into a bar… wait no it was a horse, a man came into a horse.

What is with 2016? It’s like everyone and their mothers are dying. ^^sorry ^^not ^^sorry

I sometimes feel like the Angel on my shoulder is on vacation & the Devil invited his cousin over for a play date

in the cha cha slide he goes “NOW its time to get funky!” halfway through the song like i wasn’t getting funky already?