Battleship is a completely unrealistic movie… Everyone knows that Rihanna doesn’t fight back.

TIL in 1937 the Germans sank their own U-boat instead of the American USS Anders. “Sorry, wrong sub”

Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide. Edit: spelling.

Why was the broom late? It overswept!

I raised the alarm at work today… The midgets were furious.

How do you keep water warn in the winter? Have it wear an aqua-fur.

“Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.” “Was it something I said?” Asks the son. “Yes.

What do you call a dog who does magic tricks? A labracadabrador

When life gives you lemons, Instagram photos of them and add #Lemons, #LemonSwag, and #UJealous.

Why did Kelly fall off the swing? She had no arms. Knock Knock? Who’s there? ….Not Kelly.