I always said I’d never chase after a man, but the older I get, I seriously consider power-walking after one.

Do you know what my favorite Jews are? Apple.

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

What is a pirate’s favorite letter? [read with a pirate accent when they most likely say, “RRRRR”] “You’d think it’d be R but ’tis the C they love”

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity It’s impossible to put down.

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

How do you keep the Kansas City Chiefs away from your house? Paint a goal line on your driveway.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer

My Dad always calls me goldfish… I forget why