My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone. It could have been a real game changer.

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

What’s the difference between a Feminist and a suicide jacket? Suicide jacket does something when it’s triggered.

How did the redneck find his sister in the woods? Not bad!

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

jokes about unemployed people aren’t funny They just don’t work…

My daughter doesn’t know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won’t know I took it out and am eating it now.

I got a job at the circus. I had to circumcise the elephants. The wages weren’t great but the tips were enormous.

A ghost walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender replies, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve spirits here”