Judge: You need supervision. Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

You will feel dumb when we find out the guy who headshotted Harambe was from the future trying to prevent Planet of the Apes..

Today I Fucked Up… the couch

What’s the name of the car of a hipster batman? Tumblr.

If I ever start a customer service company, I’m going to name it ‘Hold Please’.

What did the sick gyro say to the other gyro? I falafel.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

What’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can’t jelly your dick into a woman’s ass

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames. Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts