And god said to John “Come forth, and I will grant you with eternal life.” But John came 5th and won a toaster instead.

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

What did the Jewish sun celebrate when he came of age? His star-mitzvah. (Forgive me)

best racist joke ever what do you do when you see a black man with half his face? stop laughing and reload

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

Failure is not an optionit comes bundled with the software.

What do you call a female police officer with short pubes? CuntStubble

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia

I live in a glass house and my back door is a jar

What’s a thoughtful person’s favourite dip? Hmmmus.