what do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

Knock knock Who’s there? Shi Huang Di Shi Huang Di Who? She wan DEEEEEZ NUTS! Yay for history jokes.

I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die… then I got Netflix, so now I have better things to watch.

Everything’s made in China except babies… …those are made in vachina.

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

How do you know if someone is a vegetarian? Don’t worry, they will let you know as soon as they can

Donald Trump is an inspiration to all new College graduates. He is in the final interview rounds of a job he has zero experience for.

I just gave a bus full of teenagers the finger before they had a chance to give it to me.

A woman walks in on the janitor using the women’s washroom… “What are you doing in here?” “The men’s room is filthy”

What do old people always keep in their back pocket? Depends.