*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”

2 flies are sitting on a piece of poop, one cuts a fart; what did the other one say? Hey come on, I’m eating here!

What kind of street does a ghost like best? A dead end.

Red sky at night shepherd’s delight. Red sky in the morning… Your barn’s on fire.

Sometimes I make up raps about the mortgage brokers and escrow officers I work with in case one of these mother fuckers tries to battle me.

Tonight I saw a truck spin out in a snowy McDonalds parking lot, and honestly it was doing a much better job of being president.

Did you hear about the refuse collector in Pakistan who died after carrying too much rubbish? He was Bin Laden.

Dear Google, It’s *You’re,not “Your” https://gyazo.com/96cc1d47896deae8c436aa8afb56f36b

If you love something, let it go. Unless that thing is a cat. Your cat will not come back.