I have the opposite of a photographic memory i have a potatographic memory.

I’m so proud of my African pen pal. He told me he hasn’t had a drink in days. That’s the spirit! Keep it up pal.

How many jews died in the holocaust? Not enough

My girlfriend called me an asshole today… I told her you are what you eat

Why can’t I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?

I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that. …because I don’t have time to get arrested today.

Why is the Martian on DVD So you can Bring him Home

When you catch your dog eating a dictionary what should you do? Take the words right out of his mouth.

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

I can’t believe how stupid that bloke in the Post Office was…. He said that my Parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it like that’s going to make it lighter.