ww2 Russia be like… You better Czech yourself before you rek yourself.

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!” Me:”You mean ASAP?” Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

Writing with a dull pencil is pointless…

You know what the opposite of Netflix and Chill is? 9/11 and school

A kitchen joke. Why was the cutting board? The knife was really dull

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

long-term plan is to let my debt build into the millions and when I die have a golden tombstone that says COME COLLECT IT IN HELL, TAX MAN

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, if they’ll fit.

Underwear… Because every present needs to be wrapped.

What bands did they hire to play at the Developmental Disability Conference? System of a Downs My Chemical Imbalance. Youth In Asia