What job pays you to shoot people but not harm them? A photographer.

How can you tell ignorance from indifference? I don’t know and I don’t care.

What is a Hitman’s favorite Mathematical Field? *Trigger*nometry

Just watched an Asian toddler make a fully functional iPhone out of a piece of cheese and some copper.

I tried to buy some camouflage pants the other day… But, I couldn’t find any.

Clue in Michigan is cheaper, because it only has three pieces Governor Snyder, Flint, and the Lead Pipe

What do you call a midget psychiatrist on the run from the law? A small medium at large.

You like sleeping? Me too! We should do it together sometime.

*puts kid in tub* *checks twitter* *forgets about kid* *tweets* *remembers kid* *finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*

What has two thumbs and doesn’t understand jokes that require a visual component? This guy!