Don’t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you’re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

My wife called me a child. I told her, be careful who you’re calling a child because if I’m a child, that makes you a pedophile. And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna sit here and get lectured by a pervert.

What do you call a fuzzy animal that grows on trees? A root bear! (I came up with this joke a few minutes ago. I hope it’s funny)

A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said “Look Mom! No Hans!”

My Version Of Flirting! My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive and hoping they’re braver than I am.

My girlfriend is like John Cena I can’t see her 🙁

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

When I say I’m as sober as a judge I mean Paula Abdul.

A black, a mexican and a gipsy sit in a Car. Who is driving the car? The police.