I’m think about taking up Jousting so I have something to talk about at awkward dinner parties.

Blinding hatred is a perfectly healthy response to everything that other people do.

Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.

“Give it to me!” she said, “I’m so fcuking wet, give it to me right now!” And I replied, “Fcuk you, it’s my umbrella!

Son, there’s the house where I grew up. And I bought a Playstation at that Best Buy in 1996. Well, that’s pretty much the tour

The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.

Why is the letter ‘B’ commonly regarded as a pervert in the alphabet? Because he can see the D

In china, tried Donkey meat yesterday…. It tasted like ass.

What do singers get during their periods? Minstrel cramps.

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says… “Eoooooooohahhhhhmmmmmmmuuuuuuaaauuu…” The second whale turns to the first and says. “Frank what the fuck is wrong with you?”