I sent in a list of my top ten puns to the newspaper hoping at least one would be selected for the joke of the day. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

If I don’t charge my iPad at the beginning of the week I spend the whole time just trying to catch up to 100%.

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

History Teacher: what ended in 1918 ? Student: 1917

Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend. [X Post from r/Fantasy] They’re both cauldron.

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Stab in and thrust up.

I just managed to determine someones IQ just by hearing her laugh.

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me. With just the tip.

Why “hooters”? Who decided breasts looked like owls? They were wrong.

If your clock strikes 13, what time is it? time to fix your clock.