“Get over yourself.” *Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

“I finally caught up with my son.” “That’s good. Progress. How did it go?” “Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.” – Vader & therapist

I’m confused, why does the Gangnam Style guy want to launch a nuclear attack on the US?

Did you hear about… …the optometrist who fell in his lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself.

The key to Simon & Garfunkel’s success was that one was big and one was small. Before, duos were always the same size. They changed the game

When Snoop Dogg was born, he had 3pounds .. in his possession.

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons? 4yr: I need to wee! Me: With balloons?! 4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

Whats the worse thing about getting a blowjob from an anorexic girl? They never swallow.

Why did the libertarian chicken cross the road? That’s none of your damn business. Is he being detained?

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”