I love giving my girlfriend orgasms. Too bad she just spits them out.

Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn’t smoke.

How do you play a big game of Hungry Hippos? Go to a weight watchers meeting and roll Maltesers down the middle of their meeting circle.

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far out man!

There are 2 kinds of programmers Those who understand pointers and Segmentation fault (core dumped)

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

a powerful ancient bully emerged from a lake and told some girls i didnt know how to jack off til i was 16 & used a really unorthodox style

Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn’t born yesterday

What did the anus say to the nose? FRAAAAAAPPPBLAPPPPLAAAAAAAPBRENKKKKKKKKKK!!!

Do you know why astronomers named the planet “Saturn?” It just had a nice ring to it.