Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper… I woke this morning with a huge correction.

How many Germans do you need to screw in a lightbulb? One. We’re efficient not funny!

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of- *puts hand over phone* -what was it again? Daughter: Boogeritis. *to phone* It’s Boogeritis.

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.

What does a pirate drink for breakfast? Arrrrange juice.

Gardens (only clean joke I know) Why don’t you tell secrets in a garden? Because the corn have ears, the potatos have eyes and the beanstalk.

The human brain is an amazing organ. It keeps working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 52 weeks a year, from before you leave the womb, right up until you find religion.

Grandson is having sex with his grandma The father walks in and says, Son! Your fucking with my mother! The grandson replys: so! You fuck mine all the time and i dont tell you shit!

Q. How many line dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five!…Six!…Seven!…Eight!