I hear you take milk baths. That’s right. Why? I can’t find a cow tall enough for a shower!

Why didn’t the gunpowder plot work? Because gunpowder is black.

Did you hear that France changed their flag? It is now just White

I was born disabled I couldn’t walk, had no hair, couldn’t talk, just laid there and shit myself….

What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?

When asked about hobbies, don’t start lap dancing. #jobinterviewfail

What does R. Kelly say to his kids when they do something bad? Urine trouble

What I say: No! What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

“excuse me, (Chinese couple at the next table,) I seem to have forgotten my calculator, can I borrow your toddler?”

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.