I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Grandson… how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Whats this new apple product I keep hearing about? A: Whats this new apple product I keep hearing about? B: Which one? A: the I-sis

Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their s*it..Problem solved.

Got a new car for my girlfriend, best trade I ever made.

I think if I was a lifeguard I would just talk shit through my megaphone. “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING… WHO WEARS CARGO SHORTS TO THE POOL.”

What happened to the horse that swallowed a dollar bill? It bucked!

What did The Mandrain say when he told his wife he’d stop masturbating? You’ll never see me cumming.

What happens when you cross and owl with a bungee chord? My ass.

Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he couldn’t get his cock out of the chicken.

I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.