Good slumber party questions: – What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger – How many necks have you touched – What’s pesto

Knock knock? Who’s there? To. To who? to *whom*.

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’. Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

“Always leave them wanting more” is my new mantra when paying bills…

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person So I can get a better girlfriend —Not OC, credit: Anthony Jeselnik

Teenage Parties It’s getting harder and harder to tell the zombies from the regular people.

How to get a job without experience ? Just run for office!

Rhianna is writing the soundtrack for the new Lilo and Stitch movie It’s about how Stitch develops a gambling problem >STITCH BETTA HAVE MY MONEY

Just finished building doors for my fish. I’m highly skilled in the field of carp-entry.

Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the huge amount of cursing. … i can find the door out.