Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

It’s been a brutal heatwave with no respite, but things will finally cool off tomorrow and rain. I can’t wait to complain about that.

*Tries to get makeup off* Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

What does Donald Trump say after sex? I’m **President**

What’s Satan’s main social media site? Pentagram

Why did the USSR agree to a nonaggression pact with Nazi Germany? They were Stalin.

[On a date at a restaurant] So this is nice huh? “Yea,uh, who’s that?” *Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

What has 7 arms and sucks? Def leppard

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

My granddad has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from Bristol Zoo.