I want to listen to the audiobook of The Qur’an. Can someone please burn me a copy? Seriously, folks…

“This is your captain speaking” “AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.”

The wife’s only listening to you outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels

Why don’t they allow lesbians to play baseball? When they get to third base they think they’ve scored

I’m surprised the back of soy milk cartons don’t have missing hipster children.

[torturing terrorist] [plays EDM] [beat rises] [beat keeps rising] [beat rises endlessly] Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

Psi walks into a bar And says to the owner “Such a nice unit you have here, totally on a different scale”

“You thinkin what I’m thinkin?” “That we should dance our way out of this street fight?” “Wait what?” “No time! Break on 8! And a 5 6 7 8.”

why do black people only have nightmares? the only one ever to have a dream was shot.

Why is football the single best sport? Because americans don’t play it.