You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace

What did 1 volcano say to another volcano? That ash.

Dad tells his son to vacuum *hears son lazily vacuuming * dad:do it properly, if I wanted to hear loud noises but nothing being done I’d go to a feminist rally

A Girl To Doctor: When I Smoke Cigarette, I Feel Very Uncomfortable, On First Puff, I Put Off My Shoes. On Second, My Socks. On Third, My Shirt. Doctor: Take This Cigarette And Tell Me In Detail.

What do you call it when homeless people have sexual relations? Hoboerotic

I’m uncomfortable with abortion. It gives me cramps.

My friend told me he was terrified of pedophiles… I told him to grow up.

I reported my own accident on Waze Hence, the accident.

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

Spell mousetrap with three letters. C-A-T