Never tell a woman to calm down when she’s drunk, it’s like baptizing a cat. It’s not gonna work

It can get pretty exhausting hating as many people as I do in a day.

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

“Always remember me.” – Anonymous.

What’s better than winning Gold at the Paralympics? Having both your legs.

I’m really glad they invented shampoo. imagine having to wash your hair with real poo?

Why did Rick Astley get fired from his job at the video store? Because he refused to rent someone a copy of the Pixar flick “Up”.

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt

What do you get when you combined a baseball player with a metal alloy? A steel

In mother Russia… How much woodchuck would a wood chuck if a wood could chuck woodchuck?