Truth or dare? -Truth. Ok, go. -I get sexually aroused by ALF. Okaaaay… -Your turn. Truth or dare? Um…dare. -Put on this ALF costume.

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

Boyfriend and Boy friend….. See that little space between the second one? Thats called the friend zone!

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs. I said maybe.

I hate when people ask me what I’ll be doing in 5 years I don’t have 2020 vision

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

The word “Fat” just looks like someone took a bite out of the word “Eat”.

Why is your nose in the middle of the face? Because it’s the scenter.

What is it called when a gamer fights someone? An Asthma attack.

Roses are red, violets are blue… I have a gun Get in the van