Politicians are like sperm And often I find myself asking “How did this one win?”

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Ray rice’s girlfriend is really hot. She’s a knockout!

*opens facebook messenger* *sips mtn dew twice* *strokes neckbeard* *begins typing* Sorry abt ur mom dying Tis a shame Btw ur attractive

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

My wife left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mom’s.” I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I’m not sure what she was talking about.

Have you seen www.brokenglass.com? Yes but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

Me: I didn’t get anything this year. Do you think Santa’s magic…is running out? Wife: Santa isn’t real Me: Don’t lie to save my feelings

So when a couple gets engaged on Facebook for April Fools it’s okay to comment “hahaha” but the rest of the year it’s rude??

Why did the man kidnap 100 children and kill 10 of them? So that only 90 kids will remember.