On Facebook: Them: Look! We’re at the beach! Me: Look! I’m in your house!

Does any one know a program that converts mp3’s into Nutella?

Why was the hipster wearing a sweater in July? Because he was cold before it was cool.

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

a busboy falls into a bottomless salad. hank holds back the new guy “don’t bother tryin to save him; he’s gone..” the screams slowly fade

Drugs don’t kill people. People that don’t have drugs kill people.

I got really drunk on St. Patty’s Day last year and took the bus home. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but I’d never driven a bus before

what did the call the time travelling cyborg who had a weak bladder urinator

What did the pirate say after he pulled a steering wheel out of his pants? “It’s driving me nuts!”

What do you call a homeless man? A Hobo Sapien.